Relay for Life

This weekend we joined Jon and his leadership students at the Clarkston Relay for Life.  This was Jon's sixth year leading a team of students as they raised money for cancer research.  In years past I have brought the boys up for a few hours in the afternoon and then brought them back home while Jon stayed overnight to chaperone is 50 or 60 eighth and ninth grade students as they walked through the night. (Yes- he's crazy!)  This year we decided the boys were old enough to stay the night.  Jon's kids put on a carnival in an effort to bring young families to the event and once again the boys had a blast playing the games and running themselves ragged before spending a little time by the campfire then crashing for the night in our tent.  They had a total blast.  I'm actually considering sending them to eighth grade for the rest of the school year.  I'm sure they'll do just fine, and I could really use the break!

Since Jon's students were more than happy to entertain the boys for most of the day, I was able to step back, relax, and look around.  As the day went on, I saw more than just a community coming together to eradicate cancer (and what an amazing site that is to see).  I got to see Jon in his element- making a difference in the lives of his students.  I got to see him guide them through their failures and reflect on and celebrate their successes.  I got to see the amazing things a group of eighth and ninth grade students could accomplish with his support.  I got to see his students from years past- many now in college- return to tell him what a difference he made in their lives.  I got to see him show his students what it means to be a father, a man.   And I felt hopeful.  Seeing a group of such wonderful students reminded me that there are good people in the world- that we are not alone in trying to raise our boys to be respectful, motivated people who want to make the world a better place.  Between the news and the ridiculousness I see every day at the store, the park, etc., it is sometimes hard to have faith in the human race.  But this weekend I had hope and faith- and the boys had a wonderfully good time!!!

The boys dressed up in their Superman/Clark Kent costume for the Super Hero lap- They raised $55 in 10 minutes and won the best costume award for daddy's team!

 

The boys raising money on their Super Hero lap!

Obstacle course at daddy's carnival

Whee!

Racing the big kids!!

Angry Birds

Campfire with the big kids

First night camping out :)

Happy Mother's Day

There was a time, a very long time, where I had absolutely no interest in being a mother.  I wasn't sure I was capable of loving someone with all of my heart and of raising them the right way in a crazy world over which I have no control.  While I sometimes still struggle with the latter, I've found that I couldn't have been more wrong about the former.  In just three and a half years, the boys have taught me more about life and love than I had learned in the 27 years prior.  I feel like I am still finding my place, my identity, my voice-  who I am both as a mother and as a person- so my boys (all four of them!) thought that the best place to help me continue searching for who I am and who we are as a family was out in the middle of the woods for our first family morel hunt of the season.  They couldn't have chosen a better way to celebrate Mother's Day.  I even found the first morel :)  Happy Mother's Day!

Found a tee-pee in the woods!

First morel of the year!

Matty showing off our first morel

Hard at work

Found another one!

 

 

Found a snake too :)

Just like Daddy :)

 Not a great haul- but enough for the boys to have for dinner.  They gobbled them up!

 

 

Gift the boys made for Grandma

And for Grammy

 

Into the Wild!

Well, it's official! The boys are registered for Forest School!  I wish I could say that it is for a full year of kindergarten starting in the fall, but one week of summer camp is the best we can do right now.  At the beginning of the summer we will be spending a week in New York so the boys can attend a session of forest school at the Saratoga Springs Waldorf School.  I am so excited I can barely contain myself!!  But I'm also a little bit fearful.  I'm fearful that one or both or three or all of us (most likely the latter) will fall head over heels in love and not want to come home.  Despite massive efforts to figure out some magical way for our family to spend all of next year in either New York or Washington so that the boys can experience a full year of forest kindergarten, we haven't been able to figure out a way to make that happen.  Part of me didn't even want to sign the boys up for this summer school session for fear of falling in love, but I figure they at least deserve to experience it if only for a few days.  Maybe it won't be all we've dreamed it would be.  Or maybe, when it is, a magical money tree will sprout in our backyard and allow us to start the boys' education in a manner that they so deeply need and deserve. 

For those of you who don't know what Forest Kindergarten is, I highly recommend this article from the New York Times that featured the Saratoga Springs Waldorf School's Forest Kindergarten program- the first of its kind in the United States.  Jon and I first read this back in 2009 when it was published and in the backs of our minds we always thought we would love to educate our boys this way.  And now here we are three and a half years later with two wildly intelligent boys, rapidly shifting views on the current state of education in this country, and a growing, sinking fear that our boys are not going to have the chance to be properly educated in our local public school system.  Forest Kindergarten just seems like it was made for us.  We can't wait to actually experience it!  I guess we'll have to trust that God will take it from there.

Play Date with Ryan Gosling

So now that we know how the story ends, I can finally share an exciting story that we have been keeping mostly to ourselves for the last few weeks!  While the boy were still in the mix, we didn't feel comfortable talking about it for a number of reasons but now I want to make sure that I have it documented for the boys when they get older- because they have absolutely no idea what happened to them.  This is also for all of you who have been sending us the information on this casting call and then had a million questions when I said thank you and I'll explain later :)

A few months ago the boys were submitted via video audition for a supporting role in Ryan Gosling's new movie that is filming here in Detroit. I've got to admit it was kind of exciting to have a role for the boys' age right here at home, but it was a nationwide casting call that lasted for months so we didn't think much of the submission at the time. Letting go of each role the moment the audition is over is a vital skill in this world- and I say skill because it takes practice and is sometimes much harder than other times, but this time it wasn't hard for us to move on without giving it anymore thought.  The boys were two little fish in a big sea and that was okay with us.  Then a few weeks ago they got called in for an audition with the local casting director working on the film.  They were now searching locally for a set of twins- all of a sudden the big sea got quite a bit smaller.  However, I've got very little insight into how that audition went because the boys each auditioned by themselves while I sat in the lobby and they are not known for sharing any details of what happens behind those closed doors!  It must have went well on some level, because two weeks ago they got called back to audition again.  So off we went- headed downtown!

The boys have auditioned enough for all of us to know the process and know what our jobs are.  They know that their job is to separate from mommy, listen to everything the casting director says, follow directions, and try to show what happy little boys they are.  My job is to sit calmly in the waiting room trying not to wonder or worry about what's going on in there!  I never really worry about whether or not the boys are doing a good enough job to get the role.  I have learned, from many wonderful people, that getting the role is often reliant on so many factors that go well beyond doing their best job in there- factors that are unfathomably beyond our control- so why worry about them!  But I often worry about how the boys are presenting themselves.  As a mother, I just want them to always be able to show people what great little boys they are- that they listen well, behave well, have a great sense of humor, and that they have wonderful manners.  But I'm learning to trust our little boys- so I try not to worry much about that anymore :)  So we were all prepared to do our jobs...  except that mommy got a couple of surprises when we arrived.

When we walked in the casting director immediately came up to us, sat down on the floor with the boys, and started playing with them.  I was quite taken aback!  The casting process is known for being quick and cold, so for her to take the time to let the boys warm up to her was a very welcomed surprise.  It was also really neat for me to get to see the boys interact with her because that's not usually something I'm privy to!  And then came the next surprise- she wasn't auditioning them alone.  In walked none other than Ryan Gosling himself.  Now I am going to be completely honest here.  Before we sent in the boys original video audition for this movie, I had to look the guy up to make sure I knew who he was.  I'm just not into celebrities and such- in fact, I'm truly awful at knowing who anyone famous is.  If you are putting together a trivia team, you don't want to ask me to be on it!  But luckily I looked up enough pictures to know exactly who he was when he walked in.  And then the next surprise of the day- I got to tag along for the audition!  "Miss Jennifer" and "Mr. Ryan" took the boys all over the building to act out different scenes from the movie and I got to hang a step or two behind to hold on to one of the boys while the other worked on the scenes.  I actually got to see the boys in action!

To say it was an amazing experience for all of us would be an understatement.  The boys spent 45 minutes with Ryan Gosling.  They each went through three scenes with him coaching them along.  In between while they set up the different scenes and talked about what to do next, he would run around with them- chasing them down the hallway, spinning around in chairs, flying them through the air, playing with light sabers.  The boys were completely comfortable, 100% themselves, and having the time of their lives on what to them was a wonderful play date.  And I got to see my little boys "at work".  It was unbelievable for me- to see them taking direction and for the first time truly acting (as much as a couple of three year olds can really act!).  So far their roles have been the cute little baby in the background- but this time they were actually an integral part of each scene and I know I'm biased but I thought they were pretty gosh darn good! 

Then comes the hard part.  Waiting.  And I learned that knowing how the audition went actually makes the waiting that much harder than it is when I have no idea.  This time I knew the boys did really well.  I knew that the writer and director of the movie loved them.  But I knew he loved them as little boys- not if he loved them for the character in his film- and I know enough to know that those are two very different things.  As it turns out, he loved someone else for the character in his film more.  And that is okay with us.  This role would have pushed us to the very edge of our comfort zone in terms of what we are willing to expose the boys to.  Throughout this while crazy journey, we've learned not to pray that the boys get an audition or a role, but that God only put opportunities in our lives that our right for our family.  And this one must not have been.  And besides, we've kept the boys involved in acting for the experiences- and this was definitely an experience of a lifetime!  For the next week, the boys kept asking when they play with Mr. Ryan again and spin in his "spiny" chair.  They simply could not understand why we just couldn't call him up to see if he could play.  While their memories are so innocent, I'm sure they will last quite awhile.

So there's the story- for each and every one of you who sent us an email, a Facebook message, a text, etc. to tell us that the boys should audition for this role :)  Thank you for thinking of us.  Also a giant thank you to the boys' management team- Debbie and Mary of the wonderful Brilliant Talent Management who worked so hard every step of the way to get the boys so close to the finish line.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for seeing something so special in our boys and for working tirelessly to help them shine.  And lastly a special thank you to "Miss Jennifer" and "Mr. Ryan" though you'll likely never read this or even think of us again.  Thank you for the time you spent with our boys- and with me.  I'm sure that hour was just a tiny blip in your crazy, busy lives.  But to us it was much more than that.  I often wonder why we've continued to expose the boys to this brutal world that is acting.  But you were kind and gentle and reminded me that life, even in this harsh business, is all about experiences- about learning and growing and making special memories.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the reminder and for helping me teach our boys that life is always an adventure!

Garden Time!

Every 3 year old boy should have a garden- because what 3 year old boy doesn't love playing in dirt?!  The boys have been very excited to be outside getting our garden ready for planting.  Speckled in between some seriously rainy days have been some absolutely gorgeous sunny days and we've tried to take full advantage of those- being outside from morning until night!  On Saturday the boys spent the afternoon helping prepare fresh "dirt" to add to our raised beds.  They poured, shoveled, mixed, watered, and even helped push the wheelbarrow!  I love that what many perceive as work is simply having fun to them.  I guess life is all about perceptions, isn't it? 

Matthew carrying his watering can across the yard to the garden

Watering the dirt

Mixing some compost into our soil

Good thing we've got big strong helpers :)

Dumping!

They think this is a fire hose and they are firemen :)

On Socialization

After yesterday's bookstore debacle, I spent much of the day and night thinking about a lot of things- mainly what it was that drove me to pull the boys away from a wonderful session of self-directed, creative playtime in order to do something I often feel pressured to do by forces I have yet to fully understand- and that is to socialize my children.  And that in turn led me to continue thinking about and questioning a lot of social conventions and how they fit into our lives- or better yet- how our lives are going to fit into them.  Or not fit at all.  I will warn you that my thoughts may be quite controversial.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with that because my blog is a place for me to document our family for our family- and lately our family has been doing a lot of self-discovery.  I don't have any answers.  In fact, I have more questions than answers.  Many more.  And as we stumble upon our own answers, they are exactly that- ours.  They may not be right for anyone but us.  But I do feel that everyone could benefit from some deep, critical thinking when it comes to raising children- so I'm going to think aloud here and I'm not going to apologize for doing so. 

Here is my question.  Why do we have to socialize our toddlers and preschoolers?  Really.  Why?  Who has told us that this is necessary? And what was their opinion based on?  Sorting through all the other parents (the ones you compare yourself to- admit it), the daycare providers, the preschool teachers and even teachers beyond- when it comes down to it, why do they influence us to socialize our kids?  They all have their reasons, but have you ever stopped to critically analyze what those reasons are? 

Now here is my train of thought.  Teachers, whom we all view as experts in the field of children (sometimes rightfully so- many times an assumption that is dangerously incorrect), have ingrained in us that children need preschool in order to be prepared for kindergarten and further education.  Except that what most people call preschool is really daycare.  Yet calling it preschool makes many parents feel better about dropping their kid off for someone else to raise from 7:00am until 5:00pm five days a week.  Please understand that I'm being blatantly honest here without passing judgment- we all do what we have to do.  So we justify this action by telling ourselves-and others- that our kids are benefiting from this decision by gaining valuable experience socializing with other kids- thus perpetuating our conception (misconception?) that socializing our children at two, three or four years old is a requirement of good parenting.

Which leads me to the question of what IS socialization when it comes to two, three, and four year olds?  In my experience it means getting a bunch of toddlers and preschool age children together to play and let them work things out. I hear that term all the time- "They need to learn to work it out."  From my own observations, this means going to the park and sitting on your smartphone while your kid wanders around unattended.  Or dropping your child off at the train table or play scape while you wander around shopping or texting or doing something other than watching or interacting with said child.  So here are all these unattended children who are supposed to interact, or at least co-exist because let's face it- developmentally that is what two and three year olds are supposed to do.  Yet these kids have no idea how to do that.  It is not a skill human beings are born with.  Cognitively and developmentally, kids do not know how to take turns.  They do not know how to share.  They do not even know how to occupy the same space as another human being in a courteous manner.  They need a mentor (i.e. parent- preferably their own, an exceptionally gifted preschool teacher will also suffice) to guide them.  To model good behavior.  To help them learn how to work through social situations as social skills are just that- skills- and skills require teaching and practice to successfully acquire.  And if that is what took place at the playground or the train table or even at preschool- I would be all for socialization.  But sadly it is not.  Instead, far too often kids are left to fend for themselves- to "learn" to work it out without any mentor in sight to guide them.  We convince ourselves that this is positive and healthy- letting them "work things out" on their own- when in actuality our kids are struggling.  And that is not fair.  It is not fair to the other children who get pushed and shoved, who get their toys taken away, who even get hit or punched while learning (yes- learning!) that these are appropriate ways to handle problems.  And it not fair to the child who is pushing or shoving or taking or hitting- because they are simply using the only skills they know how to navigate the situation they are in.

Now don't get me wrong.  We don't keep our boys inside and isolated.  We love chances for them to truly socialize.  Yesterday the boys played with their younger cousin Grace- whose mother was never farther than four feet away.  Not hovering, but there to help her if she didn't understand the social conventions of playing with others.  And earlier that morning the boys played with some older boys who had already mastered their manners, sharing, and turn taking skills- yet their mother sat near enough by to make sure they used them.  We've had many wonderful play dates with our twin friends and the boys lifelong friend Drew that have looked much the same and they were all wonderful learning experiences for our boys.  Who knows- we might even send them to preschool next year!  But if we do, it will be because we have found and fallen in love with a program that fits and meets and exceeds the boys' needs in every aspect of their development.  I can guarantee that if we do send them to preschool, it won't be simply because that it what is expected of us.  It won't be because our boys need to learn to socialize. And it won't be because our boys need to be prepared for the organizational demands of kindergarten.  Because that is a social convention that I will save to question in my next post :)

So do me a favor.  Think about it.  Just think.  Don't agree with me.  Don't disagree with me.  Just think about it- think for yourself.  Because I'm afraid that all too often parenting has become much like a march of the lemmings.  We do what we do because we think it is what we are expected to do.  But I think we will all do our children a favor if we take a little bit of time to think for ourselves, to think about what is right for our own families and our own children. Challenge yourself- your kids deserve it.

On Nightmares and Monsters

Two nights ago, Jon and I were awakened by Matthew's cries piercing the 2:00am darkness.  Jon went in to check things out.  He found a half awake/half asleep combative little boy- ferociously kicking his father away while crying out about something being thrown in the garbage.  When it was clear that daddy couldn't calm him, I begrudgingly dragged myself out of bed for one of those wonderful "only mommy can do it" moments that mothers of preschoolers know so well.  By then Matthew was completely awake (and Caleb was now half-awake too).  He was much calmer with me, but still crying.  Clearly he had had some kind of nightmare- something we aren't yet very experienced with but I am sure this is changing.  Between his sobs I was able to figure out what terrified my little boy.  Daddy had thrown his play food bin in the garbage and he was afraid his play food was gone forever.  No wonder he was combative with Jon- he was angry at him for throwing away one of his favorite toys!  After reassuring him that he had just had a dream and that his play food bin would be there to play with in the morning, Matthew rolled over and went back to sleep.  Though clearly not happy with the disruption in our precious sleep, the next morning Jon and I talked about how wonderful it is that the scariest thing in our sons' little three year old lives is the thought of losing a favorite toy.  I'll admit it- we were a little proud.

Fast forward two days.  It's Wednesday morning and Wednesday is story time at the bookstore.  The boys are playing beautiful, creative things with their Duplo blocks on the living room floor when I try to herd them up to get dressed and out the door so we can make it to story time in time to get a seat.  They are not happy to be disrupted.  Not happy at all.  They ask, then beg, then cry for just a few more minutes with their blocks- they are building trains and race cars and trophies.  Nope, gotta go I tell them and by the time we are out the door we are all rather flustered- bordering on angry really, each for our own reasons. Luckily we are all settled down by the time we get to the bookstore and we even arrived in time for the boys to get a bench seat up front with the other kids.  Except that in order for this to happen, it then means we have to wait another 10 minutes for story time to start.  My kids are good at a lot of things.  Waiting for more than two minutes isn't one of them.  But we passed the time by each making guesses about the kind of stories Miss Andy would read to us today and I managed to keep my two bundles of energy sitting on their bench with their hands to themselves until Miss Andy arrived.  And then she announced what kind of stories she would be reading- and I was a little more than just a bit taken aback.  Today was monster day!  She had four monster stories and then she had monster masks that the kids could color and "use to scare each other".  And by scare each other- she meant that this would be the interactive socialization part after we've all sat and listened to the stories.  You've got to be kidding me.  Story time at our bookstore is specifically designed for 2 to 5 year olds and I can't for the life of me, no matter how hard I try, figure out why books and stories and cartoons and gosh darn grown ups in general find it appropriate to introduce kids this age to the concept of monsters and scary things.  I can't even tell you how many kids I had in therapy who were afraid of monsters.  Kids who couldn't fall asleep alone, kids who couldn't even be alone after dark because they were afraid of monsters.  Kids whose parents were sleepless and distraught and whether or not this was the pressing issue that brought them to therapy- there we were talking about monsters.  Hey- I've got an idea!  Let's not teach our kids about monsters before they are developmentally and cognitively able to process such fiction!  My three year olds know nothing about quantum physics.  Not because they are not capable of understanding such concepts- because believe you me I think we'd all be surprised if we were to introduce such things to them.  But no.  They do not know anything about quantum physics because we have never introduced them to quantum physics.  We do not talk about quantum physics.  We do not read books on quantum physics- not even cute adorable children's books on quantum physics.  We do not watch cartoons on quantum physics.  Therefore- we know nothing about quantum physics.  It's a really simple concept folks.  And I can also tell you that we know nothing about monsters.  We don't cry at bedtime or when the lights go out.  We don't have nightmares about monsters under our beds or in our closets.  And that is because we have not introduced such a concept to our children.  Instead we have nightmares about things that are wholeheartedly appropriate for three year olds.  Like daddy throwing away our favorite bin full of play food.  Because I am acutely aware that we are entering the cognitive phase of nightmares.  And I am acutely aware that it is my job as a parent to surround my impressionable children with appropriateness.  And most importantly- our next nightmare will most likely be about losing a toy again- because we didn't stay for story time.  Instead we played at the train table for a bit, then came home to play with our Duplo blocks- which maybe we should have continued to do in the first place.  Maybe my next post will be about taking cues from our own children instead of from the outside world, because the more I reflect on our experiences like these, the more I'm coming to believe that maybe my three year old know more about their own lives than I do.