Why I Am Exhausted

8:52am:  We are on our way to Eastern Market, driving along I-94 while Jon and I are trying desperately to finish our morning cups of coffee.
   Matthew:  Excuse me?  Mama, what are those train tracks?
   Mama:  They are train tracks.  For a train
   Matthew:  Excuse me?  When does the train leave mama?
   Mama:  I don't know dear, the trains probably run in the early morning and late evening?
   Matthew:  Why mama?  How many trains?  How many in the morning?
   Mama:  Six.  Definitely six.
   Matthew:  Excuse me?  Where are they goin' mama?  Where are the trains goin' mama?
   Mama:  Matthew, please hold all of your questions until we stop driving.
   Matthew:  Mama, you're making me upset!  I have questions!
  They don't make enough coffee for this.  I just want to drink my coffee.  Matthew asks 319 more questions.  I am out of coffee.

1:30pm:  The boys have demanded that the dog and I evacuate the couch.  It is the Challenger and it is about to launch.  Matthew gives the weather report.  It is too cold.  Caleb tells him to go ahead with the launch.

1:33pm:  The Challenger explodes.  Pillows and blankets are strewn across the living room.  The boys splash down onto Rigby's blue dog bed (aka- the ocean).  They have no idea that the seven astronauts actually perished.  They bounce back up to assess the damage.  It was the O-Ring again.  Damn O-Ring.  Couldn't seal in the cold.

1:45:  Caleb:  Can we watch the Challenger mama?  Can we watch it explode? 
          Matthew:  Yeah!  Let's watch it!  Google it mama!
Against my better judgment, I get out the iPad and type "Challenger Disaster" into YouTube.  We watch the launch and explosion from four different vantage points.  The boys notice that there were actual astronauts in the shuttle.  I have to explain this.  To three year olds.  Thankfully they are satisfied quite quickly and we move on.

2:00pm:  The couch is now the Columbia.  It is re-entering Earth's atmosphere.  It explodes.  More pillows and blankets fly across the living room.  The dog flees from the couch to his dog bed.  Caleb splashes down and lands on the dog.  The dog retreats to our bedroom.  He is clearly not meant to be an astronaut.

2:23pm:  We are now watching a 59 minute NOVA documentary on the Columbia disaster.  The boys are glued to the screen.  For 18 minutes.  Then they have the uncontrollable urge to recreate the explosion again.

5:30pm:  We are attempting to eat dinner.  Matthew has fallen out of his chair three times.  Caleb is actually trying to sit still.  He inquires about the difference between milk chocolate and dark chocolate.  I give a rather impressive lecture about the cocoa plant and how chocolate is made.  Jon disappears into the kitchen.  I am quite proud of my knowledge of how chocolate is made.

5:35pm:  Jon returns.  We conduct a live taste test in order to discover the difference between pure cocoa, dark chocolate and milk chocolate.  Despite making awful faces and choking sounds while tasting a spoonful of cocoa powder, Matthew takes five more tastes.  He is covered in chocolate powder.  No one has eaten their green beans.

6:32pm:  Caleb and I sit down to read the board book version of Big Dog Little Dog.  It takes a half an hour, and it gets a little hard to hold his attention for the last three pages.  But I'll be damned he read the entire book with minimal assistance.  We dance all over the couch in excitement.

7:00pm:  We're eating bed time snack.
    Matthew:  Why do pinwheels spin dada?  What makes a pinwheel spin?
Jon cuts out circles of paper, skewers them with a toothpick, and proceeds to explain the vector force of air against a flat versus a curved surface.  The boys are mesmerized.  I wonder why he couldn't have just answered with "Wind.  The End."

7:30pm:  Family quiet time.  The boys request a saguaro cactus for tonight's drawing lesson.  Jon draws a giant cactus in the middle.  The boys expertly recreate his cactus (but with more prickers- they love the prickers) on either side.  For 10 minutes, they touch their cacti, scream, then request that I remove the prickers from their fingers.

8:00pm:  Bedtime.  Matthew dumps out a bin of toys and takes the bin.  "I'm a fork lift mama.  This is my fork.  I'm a box lift.  I need this box because I'm a box lift."  Whatever kid, just go to bed.

8:10pm:  Have been trying to get the boys into bed for 10 minutes.  Caleb insists on finishing his drawing.  He draws an ambulance with the door open and a patient laying down inside.  It is unmistakably an ambulance with the door open and a patient laying down inside .  He also draws the Polar Express.  He scampers to bed when they are complete. 

8:18pm:  The boys run out into the living room to give me a flower they have picked (or grown?) in their bedroom.  While running back to bed, Caleb slips on the giant cactus drawing.  He eats it hard.  He yelps, "OOOUCH!!!!" and I expect him to cry.  Instead he yells out,  " I FELL ON A CACTUS!  THERE'S PRICKERS IN MY BUTT!  GET THEM OUT MAMA!"  I remove the prickers from his butt.

8:25pm:  Both boys return to the living room, this time to give me a blue butterfly.  It is apparently wrapped up in a bag.  I fear it has suffocated to death.  I thank them for my dead butterfly and send them back to bed.

8:31pm:  Jon checks on the bedroom.  Matthew is recreating a page from a book he is reading.  "I'm a snail dada.  I'm movin' slow."  He is crawling across the bedroom floor.  Jon orders him back to bed.  "Just one minute dada.  I'm movin' slow.  Just one minute.  Just one more minute!"

8:32-8:55pm:  Matthew escapes seven more times.  I am afraid Jon is going to duct tape him to the wall.  I have done this before.  He escaped that too.

9:02pm.  All is quiet.  I contemplate why I don't drink.  I'm pretty sure I should.