On Socialization

After yesterday's bookstore debacle, I spent much of the day and night thinking about a lot of things- mainly what it was that drove me to pull the boys away from a wonderful session of self-directed, creative playtime in order to do something I often feel pressured to do by forces I have yet to fully understand- and that is to socialize my children.  And that in turn led me to continue thinking about and questioning a lot of social conventions and how they fit into our lives- or better yet- how our lives are going to fit into them.  Or not fit at all.  I will warn you that my thoughts may be quite controversial.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with that because my blog is a place for me to document our family for our family- and lately our family has been doing a lot of self-discovery.  I don't have any answers.  In fact, I have more questions than answers.  Many more.  And as we stumble upon our own answers, they are exactly that- ours.  They may not be right for anyone but us.  But I do feel that everyone could benefit from some deep, critical thinking when it comes to raising children- so I'm going to think aloud here and I'm not going to apologize for doing so. 

Here is my question.  Why do we have to socialize our toddlers and preschoolers?  Really.  Why?  Who has told us that this is necessary? And what was their opinion based on?  Sorting through all the other parents (the ones you compare yourself to- admit it), the daycare providers, the preschool teachers and even teachers beyond- when it comes down to it, why do they influence us to socialize our kids?  They all have their reasons, but have you ever stopped to critically analyze what those reasons are? 

Now here is my train of thought.  Teachers, whom we all view as experts in the field of children (sometimes rightfully so- many times an assumption that is dangerously incorrect), have ingrained in us that children need preschool in order to be prepared for kindergarten and further education.  Except that what most people call preschool is really daycare.  Yet calling it preschool makes many parents feel better about dropping their kid off for someone else to raise from 7:00am until 5:00pm five days a week.  Please understand that I'm being blatantly honest here without passing judgment- we all do what we have to do.  So we justify this action by telling ourselves-and others- that our kids are benefiting from this decision by gaining valuable experience socializing with other kids- thus perpetuating our conception (misconception?) that socializing our children at two, three or four years old is a requirement of good parenting.

Which leads me to the question of what IS socialization when it comes to two, three, and four year olds?  In my experience it means getting a bunch of toddlers and preschool age children together to play and let them work things out. I hear that term all the time- "They need to learn to work it out."  From my own observations, this means going to the park and sitting on your smartphone while your kid wanders around unattended.  Or dropping your child off at the train table or play scape while you wander around shopping or texting or doing something other than watching or interacting with said child.  So here are all these unattended children who are supposed to interact, or at least co-exist because let's face it- developmentally that is what two and three year olds are supposed to do.  Yet these kids have no idea how to do that.  It is not a skill human beings are born with.  Cognitively and developmentally, kids do not know how to take turns.  They do not know how to share.  They do not even know how to occupy the same space as another human being in a courteous manner.  They need a mentor (i.e. parent- preferably their own, an exceptionally gifted preschool teacher will also suffice) to guide them.  To model good behavior.  To help them learn how to work through social situations as social skills are just that- skills- and skills require teaching and practice to successfully acquire.  And if that is what took place at the playground or the train table or even at preschool- I would be all for socialization.  But sadly it is not.  Instead, far too often kids are left to fend for themselves- to "learn" to work it out without any mentor in sight to guide them.  We convince ourselves that this is positive and healthy- letting them "work things out" on their own- when in actuality our kids are struggling.  And that is not fair.  It is not fair to the other children who get pushed and shoved, who get their toys taken away, who even get hit or punched while learning (yes- learning!) that these are appropriate ways to handle problems.  And it not fair to the child who is pushing or shoving or taking or hitting- because they are simply using the only skills they know how to navigate the situation they are in.

Now don't get me wrong.  We don't keep our boys inside and isolated.  We love chances for them to truly socialize.  Yesterday the boys played with their younger cousin Grace- whose mother was never farther than four feet away.  Not hovering, but there to help her if she didn't understand the social conventions of playing with others.  And earlier that morning the boys played with some older boys who had already mastered their manners, sharing, and turn taking skills- yet their mother sat near enough by to make sure they used them.  We've had many wonderful play dates with our twin friends and the boys lifelong friend Drew that have looked much the same and they were all wonderful learning experiences for our boys.  Who knows- we might even send them to preschool next year!  But if we do, it will be because we have found and fallen in love with a program that fits and meets and exceeds the boys' needs in every aspect of their development.  I can guarantee that if we do send them to preschool, it won't be simply because that it what is expected of us.  It won't be because our boys need to learn to socialize. And it won't be because our boys need to be prepared for the organizational demands of kindergarten.  Because that is a social convention that I will save to question in my next post :)

So do me a favor.  Think about it.  Just think.  Don't agree with me.  Don't disagree with me.  Just think about it- think for yourself.  Because I'm afraid that all too often parenting has become much like a march of the lemmings.  We do what we do because we think it is what we are expected to do.  But I think we will all do our children a favor if we take a little bit of time to think for ourselves, to think about what is right for our own families and our own children. Challenge yourself- your kids deserve it.